The Time that I can’t change

I am feeling overwhelmed by the time that I can’t change. As the clocks move forward, I struggle to catch up. The hours and minutes and seconds are in a sprint before me, and I am breathless and desperately chasing… time. In a haze of exhaustion and sorrow, the words in my bible seem to run off the page. Esther’s desperate plea for protection against her enemy, the psalmist’s cry for help. Sometimes I feel as if the words are there but I just can’t seem to catch up… in the same way time is escaping the grasp of my hands. God am I enough?

It is very obviously winter in my soul. Lent does that to me. When I have strained and poured myself into the divine colander, making the Master  tear apart my imperfections, and there are many. God is not cruel, but the truth sometimes is. And I wonder how I ever thought these words in my head, Am I my own Master?

The hiddenness of God is the beauty of God. As I travel, grope ground and dirt along my way, I am drowning. This is the part where I start to get hungry. This is eight days in the desert with no food from the world. It is just me and God.

And the more I sink, I fail, I get dirt on my face is the more I want Him; the more I realize that there is nothing good in this world. And the more the world reaches out to me with all its false temptations, sorrow and madness is the deeper I run into the Lenten desert he has created for me. It is not a retreat or defeat, it is a crown of thorns. It is not fighting back. It is a wanting for holiness. The world has nothing to offer me.

The Kingdom of God will grow upon earth, will be brought to fulfillment, in the same way it was established; by the daily and seemingly hidden lives of those who do always the will of the Father.

Servant of God Walter J. Ciszek, S.J.

Run to the wilderness with me!

3 thoughts on “The Time that I can’t change

  1. Amen, sister!! It’s so hard to run into the dessert, when the world’s comfort seems like a better choice. God’s strength and your love for others will carry you through. I just wrote a message on my travel blog that I believe will be received by the recipient intended that I have allowed to make me feel down in the dirt — I hope this will continue to inspire you because, I feel like you!! I’m very frustrated with myself that I’m not already “like” God by choosing the dessert. He puts you through struggle because He wants you to long for Him. And when you reach Him, it will be worth the wait, and worth the bliss. Yes, you are enough. And you are His child. (Hugs)

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Running to the desert with anticipation is the only way to run. God has so much in store for us in our suffering, our rebuilding and restoration and our every day living. The world can actually become the desert itself, because of its many flaws, but God’s love is so much more than that. His is unconditional -no strings attached – just pure and perfect. Through Him alone can we achieve perfection. Thanks for another great post.


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